Well then....

I sheepishly return to a new post, after the previous emotional rant, having been called a couple of days ago with the offer to do the show I had though I bombed the audition for.

For the second year in a row I will be performing in the NYC Fringe Festival, which I am quite happy about. I am even more please because of the show. Brace yourselves...

Perez Hilton Saves the Universe! (or at Least the Greater Los Angeles Area) The Musical

Oh, I jest not. Now, on first glance you might think this wildly ridiculous and out of left field. And it kind of is. But the script is funny and it's a total satire. I think it has the makings of a really good show. And, come on, it's Perez Hilton. I admit it. I read his blog. It's fun. It doesn't take itself seriously, and neither does he. It totally feeds into the gossip mongering everyone loves. We could get on a soapbox about it or laugh our asses off silly.

Besides, it's a different direction and change of temperature from Betrayed, so it will be fun to do something that is a complete 180 from my role in that show. And the role is a first for me. And that is all I will say so as to surprise those of you who come to see the show.

I am even more excited because of people attached to the cast which I can't really list as I don't think it is official. But there is a partial cast list on the site.

Classes at Esper are winding down, just as I am getting into the groove of things. It's been informative, educational and eye-opening and I am now wrestling with the decision of going into the 2-year program. The only cons are time commitment and money. Moreso the latter. I love being poked and prodded and forced to do things I only relegate to letting loose with onstage, but I am finding that the work I am doing in the classroom is a slap on the wrist for all the stupid things I do (or don't) in rehearsals. Mainly, holding back out of some inane fear (and really, aren't most actors' fears - outside of finances - inane?).

So if nothing else, it has given me a healthier approach to entering a rehearsal room and playing more and having fun and forgetting about my comfort zone.

Either that will happen or I'll end up curled into the fetal position in a corner singing "Nothing's Gonna Harm Me" [sic].

What a Feeling....

There are days when the emotional stress/turmoil of being an actor can way too heavily, especially when it comes off of something so seemingly simple.

There are very few times when I get so excited about an audition for a show that I get the sweats and the twitters. I usually go in with an open mind to have fun and do my best and not worry about having to get the job or lose out on it. I just want to be in the room and have a moment and hope that my work and presence are what the casting and creative team are looking for. To get crazy and worked up as if my life depended on it is moot for me only insomuch as it is not something I can really control. This is not to say that I don't want to book the jobs I go in for because I do. I don't go to auditions JUST to have fun. The ultimate goal is to get the role. But since I don't control decisions I can only influence them with the work I present.

BUT once in a while I do get rabid about wanting to do a project I feel very strongly about. Betrayed was one of them and even though I felt I had bombed the callback, I was fortunate enough to be cast.

Yesterday was another of those moments, but one I do not think is going to end in my being cast because I felt like a complete and utter dweeby neophyte in the room. I wasn't really nervous and I wasn't really calm, and I could blame my uneasiness on 3 hours of a Meisner class wherein I lost my shit and was rattled, but that would be making excuses.

This show...I REALLY want. And some people think I am stupid for that because they see the show as fluffy and too screwball-y, and at first glance, sure, I can understand that. But the show is witty, smart, hilarious and totally pokes fun at people, celebrities and media-obsessed people. And because I am such a pop-culture enthusiast and am always amazed by the inane things people get obsessed with, I want to do the show. The part is silly and fun (and a musical one to boot) and one I know I could do in my sleep.

But I somehow managed to screw up one note in my song (an easy one that I could also do in my sleep with strep throat) and that was the death knell. I didn't think the scene I read went all that bad, but I didn't think it landed as hard as I wanted it to.

After it was done, I went out to sit in the hallway and just stayed there for a bit because I wanted to kick myself in the head.

Now, I could be beating myself up over nothing, but this one, I want. Badly. Not only because of the people involved (from cast to creative), but also because of the opportunity to do something so wildly different and fun. I have been in a daze for the last 48 hours doing what no actor should ever do: replaying the audition in my head and analyzing what went wrong and why. This, my friends, is no good for the actor's psyche.

It is also one of those moments where my mantra of "Whatever is meant to be will be," is taking a huge backseat to my "You are such a moron. How could you screw that up?" mantra.

It's depressing. I can only hope that somehow, I managed to do something that caught their eye (positively) and that I am just beating myself up for no reason. The universal actor's trail is lined with stories by celebrities and those in the upper echelons who have lost out on amazing roles in great shows, and something always comes along to soothe that. But right now, that is providing zero comfort for me.

I need to be slapped.

Climbing Uphill

Today....sucked.

Thank you.

Today was a red letter day for sucking at auditions. I bombed three of them. I was so out of it.

However, today did teach me that I am no longer going to schedule auditions back to back with less than one hour in between each one because it does not help me. Especially when I am dressed up, but am running up and down streets and across avenues in the summer heat/humidity with random showers popping up here and there.

Had an audition at 10:10. Got there at 9:50. No one was there. Odd.
10:19 rolled around. My next audition was at 10:55 9 blocks down and two avenues east. Thankfully, the monitor showed up, and I asked to come back later.

No problem. Right?

I get to the second audition, which lasted all of 10 seconds and think that I royally screwed myself. I must have some mental block with TV/Film auditions. I either don't get it or am just confused as to what to do. I am never in a room long enough to figure it out because those auditions just ZIP by.

I get back to the first audition. The accompanist is not there yet. I have another audition at 12:35 18 blocks uptown and one avenue west. I ask to come back later.

I get to the third audition with plenty of time. I think I nail it but I have no idea because I think my face started twitching. So for all I know, I came across like a stroke victim.

I rush back to the first audition and get seen. I think, but am not sure, that I sang the first half of my song in a completely different key. I know the second half was spot on. But somehow, the first part felt completely wrong. Now for someone who has relative pitch, it is somewhat difficult to catch me off key or off note. But somehow my brain left me.

Then, and a lesson for all those who might read this, I get asked for a monologue on the spot. Thank GOD I have three that I have memorized and keep in my back pocket at all times. I start the monologue and realize four words into it that I may very well not even remember it since the last time I did it was about 10 months ago. I start panicking internally and manage to pull out all the words. However, I think I came across like a nutjob.

You know that is your song and monologue are funny and no one in the room laughs that you are doing something VERY wrong.

And so I came home, wallowed for a little bit, and just moved on...as best as I could. Of all the auditions I have had in the last year and four months, this is probably the third time I have felt like I bombed an audition. Of course, being an anal perfectionist, this does not sit well with me, but I gotta learn somehow.

A Weekend in the Country

I am back from workshopping Food for Fadwa with the NYTW at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie this week.

It was a long week as I had to travel back for a callback and class, having left the morning after Betrayed closed, and then keep my wits about me. Good thing I was out in the country with nature all around me. Felt good to be cut off from my computer to just do nothing by work on a play.

I am however firmly glad I never stayed in a dorm in college. I don't see how collegiates can eat the food day in and day out for four years. By the second day I was ready to lose my mind.

The show went really well and was received with glowing, positive remarks. I got to work with an amazing cast and with and for an amazing actress/writer who I have come to admirer rather quickly and very fondly.

And now....I am back to focusing on class, auditions, and trying for the next job. I should treat myself to a break, but the fear of stopping and then never starting back up again is too strong. Gotta keep the train moving.

When You're Racing with the Clock

Just a quick update as I am on a tight schedule this week.

Betrayed closed this past Sunday and while I feel this abysmal emptiness, I don't really have time to feed it because I left the following morning to work on Lameece Issaq's play Food for Fadwa for The New York Theatre Workshop.

No rest for the weary.

The play is amazing. The cast is amazing. I am exhausted and don't care.

More by the end of the week when I get done and get some time to breathe.

Until then...go go go!

Invocation to a Noisy Audience

In the last two days I experienced what I believe are the rudest sets of audience members I have ever performed for in 18 years of doing shows.

This is not to say that every single audience member was rude, and I don't know if there was a full moon out that night or some planets were oddly aligned, but I was flabbergasted.

Last night, we had to graciously deal with a talkative audience. As actors you get used to the normal noises of causes, seat-shuffling, and sniffs (although, the smaller the house, the more aggravating it can be). But some member's last night thought it was ok to have full-on conversations to the point where other audience members were shushing them. To add insult to injury, a cell phone goes off (this has happened before but the offender has silenced the errant cellie immediately). And the audience member answers her phone and proceeds to have a conversation to the horror of three actors onstage and other audience members who are up in arms and tell her to shut up and get out.

This continued through the end of the show.

Today, another cell phone went off and it kept ringing. Although it was not answered, the offender just let it keep ringing and ringing.

What is unfortunate is that we can't stop the action onstage and both times the audience missed vital bits of information.

I imagine in larger Broadway houses that actors onstage don't often hear much (especially in musicals). I know I have been thoroughly annoyed by other audience members who talk and noisily open their candy when I just want to enjoy the show.

And really...who actually thinks opening cellophane slowly makes less noise??? Bring along a ziplock back with unwrapped candies and have at it.

One night, two guests in the front row actually opened a bag of potato chips and began sharing it. And the stage is aboutt two feet from the front row. Another night, a young teen starting eating gummi bears.

We are not celluloid. We CAN hear and see you.

It angers me that we respect audiences enough to show up and put our heart out there to entertain them for two hours and some people lack the basic common sense of turning off phones, not talking, and not being a distraction when you are directly in the front row. Some actually DO believe we are a movie theatre. I do not get it.

On a more positive note, we are being taped by PBS on Monday for a September broadcast. I am not nervous...yet...have not even thought about it. I AM looking forward to reuniting with two original cast members for the taping and wonder if the old rhythms and motions will come back.

As for what's next...I dunno.

My big audition this past week went REALLY well. But, as usual, I doubt anything will come of it.

We're Opening Doors...

Well, some of life's insanity has taken a vacation and after being sidelined for three weeks with a horrible cold/virus/plague, I am finally feeling better and thus ready to tackle some small projects left undone.

Fixed the wonky problems with the site and am almost done fixing this blog so it looks like the rest of the site.

We got out closing notice at Betrayed and our now closing June 16. Not for any financial or audience size reason. We have extended, thankfully, beyond any date that anyone foresaw, but actors' previous projects are now creeping up and the logistics of trying to find and rehearse replacements was going to be a nightmare, so we are shutting the doors...for now. Who knows what will happen with the show as the response is still positive and fresh. PBS is taping the show on June 2 for broadcast (not sure when it will appear on TV). And there are other plans in the works that will hopefully come to fruition.

I am proud of myself for making every single show even when I thought I was going to die from exhaustion or illness. This is by far the longest run I have ever sustained or had the opportunity to sustain so I feel like after the last 3 weeks of double duty and sick (with bronchial pneumonia first and then a sinus infection married to pharyngitis....nice) I can handle anything. It's been rough some night, but I have found that I don't get bored (impatient, sometimes, yes) and am driven by professional obligation and passion. And a paycheck....yes...a paycheck, musn't forget that.

And thank god for Equity League health insurance to get me through the last couple of weeks.

After the show closes, who knows? I am starting classes with William Esper (the man himself) and am looking forward to tweaking and sharpening the tools in the drawer.

I have an amazing audition set for this coming week that could mean something huge if the cards fall right, but I am trying not to think about the situation in either the positive or the negative. Just want to go in, not fall on my face, do my job, and, hopefully, land the job. To say I am excited and nervous would be a massive understatement. This is probably the most rattled I have been since I got to New York (almost one year and 6 months ago).

Keep fingers crosses, candles lit, and prayers uttered.